


lifeforms

by lesthowells



Series: when there's memories to be made (ii tour fics) [3]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Discussion of children/parenthood, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Reality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2019-05-07 21:51:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14680197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesthowells/pseuds/lesthowells
Summary: He knows that he will have to accept it sooner or later, that this was something they couldn’t have, not the way he wants it, not together.





	lifeforms

It’s not the first time he’s thought about it, or even the second or third. They’ve talked about it before too, more than once over the years, never with any defining time or place. At first it was because they were too young, it felt okay to make plans of the future with wistfulness. They could say _one day_ and _when we’re older_ and mean it- they always meant it.

Until suddenly, unexpectedly one day Dan realises that they were older and the _one day_ was an undefined concept with no certainty. After the first tour, the thoughts return in a gradual slide of 3 am spiral. He knows what has caused it, flicked that switch inside his head. This year was the year for life things, he had declared that himself. They were in the process of moving, the stress and chaos was exaggerated by their approaching travel schedule.

It only takes a week after they move into the new apartment when the conscious thought returns to him, another late night/early morning collision of thoughts. Although this time it feels more like a question with the hope of a legitimate answer, _if_ and _when?_

Dan knows he has brought much of it on himself, unknowingly but even so. He says the immortal words without thinking, whilst live to almost ten thousand people. _It’s not a forever home._

The statement is true enough, this apartment as nice as it was- is provisonal but for how long is still unclear. If he had known the reaction it would elicit, the statement bolded, underlined and repeated everywhere- he wouldn’t have said it. It was a promise but not one he had wanted to make in front of so many people, he wishes he could go back and stop the words from leaving his mouth. it’s a reminder that their lives are an open window, nothing can truly be secret not now they began to break down the walls.

Most days he doesn’t mind, most days he is glad to no longer internally vet everything before he speaks, that he can be more authentically himself with minimal insecurity. And then there are these days, when he feels the ground disintegrating beneath his feet. What is worse is that it had been a good day, in the moment everything had felt fine. Until Louise had placed Pearl in his arms and he felt torn apart from himself.

It’s the strangest thing, holding a baby, the first stages of life are so fleeting. They’re small and delicate, like china but its temporary- soon they’ll grow up into a child then an adult. But for this small, precious point in time; it’s earth shattering. Dan should have known this would kickstart a spiral in his brain, he’d been feeling okay for weeks, routine and self-care tactics maintain a steady line. Today had been a bump in the road, tipping the balance and spinning him off course.

He doesn’t realise properly until hours after when they’re back in their hotel room, a few hours before they have to leave to prepare for the theatre. There is no denying there is a strained atmosphere and it is his own fault. Phil picks up on his disinterested reactions, Dan knows it’s probably obvious he has gone into his own head again.

“A penny for your thoughts?” He asks quite and calm. His gaze is fixed on the Mac screen on his lap, the light of it reflected in his the lens of his glasses. 

Dan knows what this is, that it is Phil’s way of saying; _you’ve been quiet for hours, are you okay? Please don’t just say you’re fine._ So he hesitates, the old inclination to brush off Phil’s concern has never been stronger than it is now.

“I know there’s something bothering you Dan. You don’t have to tell me, but I’d like it if you did.” Phil says softly, he’s placid, always so un-pressured and patient.

Dan feels immediately he feels worse, torn in half indecisive whether he should say anything despite how he knows the conversation will descend.

“Do you think- he starts but something catches in his throat, distorting his voice making it so very clear he is upset. Phil looks up from his screen then, concern already written all over his expression.

Dan takes a breath and forces the rest of the words out. “Do you think we will ever be able to have kids?”

A small frown creases into Phil’s face immediately. “Of course, we will. Why?”

Dan sinks his teeth into his lip, instantly regretting saying anything. How can he possibly begin to say what is in his head, how can he find the courage to say; _I don’t think we can, it's just a dream with no hope of reality. It's not fair to keep promising ourselves something we can't have._

“How?” Dan chokes. “We don’t have the level of freedom, I know we agreed that it was better to not say anything but no matter what people think they know, it’s not the same as actually declaring it.”

Phil shakes his head, with an almost inaudible sigh. “I know it isn’t, but I thought we talked about this. That we were going to stop worrying about things beyond our control every time we leave the house?”

Disagreement rises up in Dan’s throat, the feeling of being torn apart from the inside out is agonising. There was no way he could talk about this without it being painful, without the threat of a real argument- it was so rare, but he still remembers the last one and has to dig his nails into his palm. He truly hates any kind of conflict, knows that Phil does too but he was far better at avoiding it than Dan was, better at reconciling too.

This is worse because he's not even angry but upset, more volatile and vulnerable to saying what ever is in his head and it is rarely good. 

Like so often, Phil reads the emotion of his face with clarity. “What’s on your mind Dan, please speak to me.” Phil whispers, softer now. His eyes flicker down to Dan’s balled fists for a second.

“I just, I don’t see how we can have this.” He gestures around him. “And have the life we want, a family. It will have to be one or the other and I hate that. I fucking hate it so much Phil.”

He’s trying to hold it together, but his voice betrays him. He doesn’t want to say what everything else he is thinking, he knows that it makes him seem like an arsehole. It’s selfish and he hates that he feels that way at all. As the years have passed and they get older, the promise of _one day_ just did not feel enough anymore. Dan wonders if he ever truly believed it anyway, maybe he had been fooling himself all along. It had felt easy to get wrapped up in it, to assume that magically one day a solution would appear. Dan feels akin to a child being told that Father Christmas isn’t real, that the magic is fake, and all the impossibilities are just fabrications made up by adults. Only this is harder to accept, this isn’t a story, it bruises more because it is real.  

He knows that he will have to accept it sooner or later, that this was something they couldn’t have, not the way he wants it, not together.

The acceptance will become another just another thing he’ll push far away, lock it in a box and burry it in the back of his mind but no matter how hard he tries he cannot lose the key.

It hurts in many different ways he didn’t think it were possible, to feel the ache deep down in every bone right to his core of being. There aren’t many occasions where he wishes he was someone else entirely, wishes none of this has happened. Sometimes he thinks how different would it be if they were just themselves, without the online presence, it they were just two normal ordinary people- would it be easier? Could they have the things they want, could they do more without the eyes on them?

Dan looks up to find Phil kneeling on the floor in front of him, he gathers his hands against Dan’s face, pressing a kiss to his temple. It’s a gentle, reassuring gesture but rare- only doing so when Dan is thinking the worst of the worst. Dan grips his own hands onto Phil’s forearms, his fingertips pressing against bone and muscle. It’s a reminder that this is real; no matter what Phil is a constant that he is forever thankful for. Phil traces his thumb in circles across Dan's cheekbones, tilting his up head so their eyes meet. 

“We’ll figure it out, we’ve got time and there will be a way Dan, I promise.” Phil’s voice is tender, he's smiling but there's a sadness behind it and it breaks Dan further.

He shakes his head but bites back what he has an impulse to say, it’s too selfish, he wants to say Phil can’t promise that- not in any reality. But he needs to hold on to the dream, the fruitless hope, he needs Phil to believe it- wants to keep his happiness above his own as always. So, he shoves all the feeling, the desire to break apart completely and cry- locks it away in a box in the back of his mind. He lets Phil pull him up off the chair, walking backwards towards the bed and falling onto it. They twist around to face each other, arms and legs tangled together. They are no more words, just the comfort of being held.   

Dan knows he cannot keep this feeling locked forever, one day it will burst open and with it his whole being will disintegrate but for now he can do this, he can lie here wrapped up in Phil and the hope of possibility. He can dream of  _one day._

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, 
> 
> you can find me on [tumblr](http://lesthowells.tumblr.com/tagged/%2Aandiefic)


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